Self-Harming Heroine

Chapter 15

Now that I've admitted it, I feel a strange sense of relief.

Until now, even though I knew it, even though I could feel it deep inside, I stubbornly tried to deny it.

Honestly, it would have been strange if I hadn't noticed it.

Just think about what I've done since I became Lucia.

First, I cut off a finger.

Then I cut my wrist.

I tore my shoulder.

I hanged myself.

And now here I am, wandering through the dark night dressed as an obscene rabbit girl.

I just didn't prepare myself enough.

For becoming Lucia.

For having to live as Lucia.

My reason was fighting against my instincts.

The understanding I'd built up over 20 years as a man couldn't easily accept this sudden change in me.

If I accept it, that's it.

It means I'm really going to become a deviant.

I'm going to become the most perverted woman the world has ever seen.

This was the only safety net I had left.

My last defense, my last boundary, the only thing that could stop me from crossing a line I couldn't come back from.

So I tried to cover my eyes and pretend.

In a situation that even a fool could understand, I forced myself to look away.

"And now I've ended up like this..."

I twisted my torso.

Hot. My body feels so hot.

So much so that I wonder if this is even okay, my whole body aches from head to toe.

"If I'm going to release this desire... I should just do it... instead of half-heartedly trying to contain it... Look, it ended up spilling over anyway...."

This is the worst.

It's exactly the scenario I was trying to avoid.

After all that effort to hold it in, look at me.

I crumbled in an instant.

If I was going to go off the deep end, I should've gone all the way, not this mess.

It hasn't even been a week. I haven't even reached the weekend.

Five days? Six? Ha, and I couldn't even last that long.

"Haha... heh...."

If I really wanted to keep it in, I should have done nothing at all.

Or accepted it in the first place.

Acting like this, neither here nor there, is why I couldn't last long.

"I...."

I lifted my face from the floor.

My vision was blurred and my eyes burned. Did dirt get in? After blinking a few times, I could finally see.

Tears streamed down my face. Was it the dust or something else?

"A pervert... I am a perverted woman... even though I am a man... I was a man..."

I wasn't always like this.

I used to be a more stable, normal person.

I mean, isn't that right?

How many people are like Lucia?

There are very few, if any.

I was someone who fit in with the vast majority.

I don't like pain.

I don't like humiliation.

I don't like to expose myself, nor do I cut my wrists or hang myself.

It's natural for people to resist drastic changes in their beliefs and norms-how many could accept something like that without blinking an eye?

So I resisted, but as I resisted, I also indulged. And as I gave in, I denied it again. In the end, it all built up and exploded like a balloon.

My hands wouldn't stop shaking.

With trembling fingers I grabbed the zipper of the black leotard. I slowly pulled it down. It was hard to take it off because it was behind me, but if I dislocated my shoulders a bit, it wouldn't be a problem.

Zip.

The zipper went down.@@@@

It sounded like the walls of my mind were crumbling.

Like an adult insect shedding its cocoon, I had crossed the last boundary I had set for myself.

I want to shed everything like Lucia.

Because I'm a deviant like Lucia - no, even more deviant than Lucia...

I want to be trampled.

He gets a devoted girl like me as his slave.

Dating a guy would be impossible, but I could be his punching bag.

Or maybe I could be his dog? His cat? I'd be anything he wanted.

Step.

"...!"

I heard footsteps.

My heart dropped.

Like ice water running down my spine, I froze in place.

Who?

Who would be here at this hour?

Should I run? Why should I run? Isn't this the perfect opportunity?

If they see me like this, I could be blackmailed, right?

What if they threatened to use it against me and make me obey?

Just the thought made my lower body tingle.

But...

My hesitation was brief.

I restrained myself, quickly slipped off my heels and moved quietly.

First I had to see who it was. Then I'd decide what to do.

I hid behind a large tree.

With only the dim light breaking the darkness, no one would notice me if I stayed hidden.

The footsteps came closer.

The beam of a flashlight swept over the area.

I held my breath and peered out cautiously.

Each second felt painfully slow.

I narrowed my eyes and tried to suppress the wild beating of my heart.

When the figure stepped into the light of the streetlamp, I finally saw it.

A middle-aged man with his cap pulled down.

Judging by his uniform, he was an Academy guard.

Ah, of course.

It's just the regular patrol.

It makes sense for an important institution like the Academy to have security.

They make rounds at set intervals to check for anything unusual.

The guard moved forward, shining his flashlight with practiced ease. He didn't even look back. A lazy guard at that.

You should check your surroundings carefully, you know? What if someone is hiding here? Like right now.

I stayed perfectly still until the guard passed. As much as I wanted to make a sound, I held myself back. The urgency of the situation pulled me out of my thoughts for a moment. Control the impulse. Don't give in to a momentary desire.

If I'm going to get caught, it has to be by Eugene, not some extra who doesn't even appear in the "original".

Hold on.

Please, just hold on...

The guard's footsteps, which had grown louder, gradually faded.

The flashlight's beam drifted farther away.

I held my breath until there was no sound.

"...Hah."

It wasn't until the guard left the garden that I let go of the breath I'd been holding.

That was close. In more ways than one.

This thrill... haha, it might just be addictive.

No, it will definitely be addictive.

I wiped the cold sweat from my face and collapsed to the ground.

My backside was covered in dirt, but with my face already dirty, what difference did it make?

Ah, my strength just drained away.

Even the heat inside me seemed to subside a bit.

Maybe that last rush of euphoria satisfied me a bit.

I leaned against the tree and stared blankly at the night sky.

A thin crescent moon, partially obscured by clouds, cast a faint, gentle light.

The excitement faded.

Ah, I know this feeling.

It's that moment of complete calm, isn't it? Even Lucia can't stay in a constant state of excitement. Once it's released, reason has a chance to return, and even a heightened desire has its limits.

"...I think I should go back."

If I keep walking around at night like this, I'll catch a cold.

Phew, that was close.

I almost let my desires get the better of me.

But getting caught by Eugene... that's not the time.

Yes, not now.